Not So Secret Secrets
by NatalieRB
Summary: This is the result of me high. When secrets are kept, and Kelly loses shoes, what will happen? Do not read if you have not watched Kelly on youtube. Aro's milk get's tasted, and Carly dusts... lots. Esme likes cookies. Alice stuffs socks down her... nice.
1. Chapter 1

Well, you know how every family are supposed to not have secrets

_A.N: Well, I haven't done a one-shot in a while. Canon Pairings, although that doesn't matter much. Bella is not a vampire yet, so this can happen anytime before BD. OOC Because of all of the secrets each character has. Kelly makes another appearance, as well as her amazing shoes. It's rated T because I'm paranoid. I do not hate Rose, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Bella, Carlisle Esme or Edward, and I'm sorry if it comes across so in here; it's just the secrets that make my fingers type. That's about it, so… Enjoy!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own twilight. –Cries- Trust me, if I did, this would be ten times better. And, you know, I would be rich._

Well, you know how every family are supposed to not have secrets? Do you know how it is kinda hard to keep a secret when you have a mind reader, a physic and another crazy dude who can muck around with your feelings in your family? Well, somehow, the Cullen's manage it, until they let their guard down.

**Not-So-Secret Secrets**

**Part one.**

No one knows her secret. She did a darn good job of hiding it. I don't even want to know how she hid it from Jasper. I mean, how do they-? Never mind. Plus, Kelly has a secret. Secretly, she hates all shoes. _SHOES!_

She has always said that she wore boxers because they were comfy. She was lying. She always said that men's shoes were comfy. She was lying. _SHOES!_

She was talking to Edward when she thought about how hot Rosalie was. Accidentally. Edward raised an eyebrow yet continued to talk, and his facial expressions went unnoticed. Then Bella made the mistake of walking in, and Alice had a very strong graphic image of them in Alice's bed doing… well, you don't want to know. Edwards' fist came down hard on the table, and his foot stomped against the wooden floor. _This was the part where Alice looked at his feet and noticed a new pair of shoes. SHOES!_

"You're not even listening!"

"I am liste-"

"Don't, lie to me! I just saw you thinking about my Bella… Bella… doing… doing things I don't want you to think of!"

"Wha… what do you mean? Me?! I'm not a lesbian!"

"I know, but you either have a pair of socks down your pants or…"

"OR WHAT?!"

"Well… You know…"

Just as Edward was about to let her know, Jasper came strolling though the door in an unusually feminine fashion. Well, not unusual for him, but unusual for a married male vampire. Alice looked at his feet and noticed a new pair of shoes. _SHOES! _We don't know why Alice constantly looks at people's feet, but we think she has developed a fetish for them. That and shoes, that people effectively wear on their feet, henceforth the fetish for feet. _SHOES!_

"Hello, beautifully people! Isn't it a wonderful day? _–Slits wrists- -Cries- _No! Why is my life so shit?! _–Twirls on the spot- _Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee!"

As you may have noticed, Jasper is rather prone to mood swings. That and to buying immense amounts of…

SHOES

Anyway, yes, so Jasper is a sensitive soul. I advise you not say anything about shoes, being gay, being homophobic, talk about leaving, think about leaving, dream about leaving, sigh heavily _–this makes him restless- _roll around in your sleep, roll your eyes, cry, wish to die, die, accidentally die, non-accidentally die, cliff dive, talk about war, think about war, dream about war, ask about his scars, stare at his scars, think about his scars, dream about his scars, tell him that he does not suit his army pants, tell him he does suit his army pants, wonder why he still has army pants even if he can still fit in them, tell him that he has too much war hammer, tell him he does not have enough war hammer, tell him that all his war hammer is crap even if it is, think that all his war hammer is crap; I don't know how he would know, but believe me, he would know…

… make fun of him when he stands next to Emmett because he is really skinny and has no muscles what so ever, make fun of him when he stands next to Edward for the same reason as before, constantly remind him that he could never be Rosalie's twin because he is too darn ugly, throw holy water at him and shout 'the power of Christ compels you!', think about throwing holy water at him whilst shouting 'the power of Christ compels you!', dream about throwing holy water at him while shouting 'the power of Christ compels you!' and walk into the Cullen household when in a top-to-toe garlic suit as this irritates his nose and also kills him but we are more worried about the nose irritation thing.

You should also think twice about calling Jasper Edwards side kick, and constantly call him Yaio boy, and then call Alice Yuri girl, because there is a chance that Jasper will smell your blood on your eighteenth birthday when you slice your finger open on a birthday present that your vampire boyfriend bought you and he will do one of two things: Kill himself because you just got a paper cut, or eat you. Either way is rather dramatic, but you can choose when you call him Yaio boy.

So now, all of the Cullen children are staring at Jasper, confused looks about their faces. You would be too, if you had just witnessed what they had. Edward had now started to fidget because everyone was staring at Jasper, who was standing next to Edward, which made Edward feel as if he was being watched, and his disguise might slip at any moment. He had a sudden urge to rip off his shirt, put on sum blingin' chainz n get hi on pot n bowl it out da door singin' sum song dat makes im seem well ard. Bruv. But, him being the gentleman, he resisted.

Rosalie, you may have been wondering about her because she did enter the room earlier, yet no one cares about her because she was only looking in the mirror, sways into the kitchen, to find her demonic mother whipping some eggs, flour and whatever else you use to make stuff. _She did originally put shoes inside, but then realised that Jasper would kill her if she got dough on his new shoes. SHOES. _

We are not even sure why she is baking things, because she won't eat them anyway. Over time, she has begun to bake mass amounts of cookies, sit them in the middle of the table, and then bake some more. She would repeat this process until she has either no more batter _she would make some more _or she had no more table. _She would buy some more. _Then, in the evenings, usually at twilight, she would sit around the table, and stare at her cookies. If anyone dares approach, she would hunch over them, covering them with her arms, muttering 'My Precious'. This was rather often, especially since Carlisle had recently developed the need to clean everything incredibly thoroughly.

Once, Esme had forced Emmett to eat her cookies to tell her what they taste like. The answer was dirt. Then, she asked Carlisle. Never being able to deny her anything, he said yes. They tasted like dirt. Asking Edward, she had a breakdown. We won't tell you about it though, because it is not very important, unless you are one of those crazy people who like to know lots of stuff. Even if you are one of those people, we still won't tell you.

As Rose sits at the table where Esme's 'precious'' sit, Carlisle bustles through the room, pink apron around his waist, duster in one hand and polish in the other.

"Esme!" Carlisle sighed. "Must you get so much dirty? And why put the cookies on a plate? It's just getting the plate dirty, and we can't have that! Why can't you make them float? More to the point, why bake them in the first place? No one eats them, and then you get your clothes dirty when you bury the cookies!"

Bury… the cookies? I hear you ask. Yes, well, because no one eats the precious cookies, she buries them. She says that if her family does not eat them, then the wildlife can. So she takes all of her cookies out into the forest, and buries them. She actually digs a hole, and puts the cookies inside the hole, then fills the hole up again. I'm not even kidding.

So, as Esme the baker, as she insists everyone calls her, was baking many things that could possibly be baked, Alice gave up in her quest to prove her sexuality, and with the still very graphic image of Bella in a very compromising position, she left to have a cold shower. _Even though she hardly notices it when it's like… -10 degrees, and she doesn't need to shower anyway, but you could say that she didn't really need shoes either, but then that would make Kelly feel bad, and Jaspers whole life would have been a lie._

So, just to remind you, you lovely readers you, we have a dumbfounded Edward, who is still trying _not _to strip and sho of his blingin chainz n fxkin dnce 2 dat kl sng, a Jasper who is still trying to remember what he did with that red stiletto, and where he left his razor, Rosalie being Rosalie who has a really big secret that we shall share with you soon, Esme doing a lot of baking, and Carlisle cleaning. Everything. And when I say he cleans everything, I mean everything. _He even polishes Jaspers many shoes. SHOES. _Bella has not done much apart from walk in the room. Typical human. She really needs to become a vampire otherwise Edward will get bored with her soon and realise that he made a huge mistake and that I am really the one for him, and I don't fall over a lot and all of those other things that Bella does that is incredibly annoying just because she is not a vampire, but that is a completely different story, so we wont go into that. Also, where is Emmett?

Well, Emmett was at therapy, but he has recently returned home just after Alice left for that shower. He entered the room unusually sullen. _Why so sullen Emmett Cullen?! _Poor Emmett is not the person he thought he was. The big bear we know of that wears a button down shirt, now wears no shirt at all. Well, not a button down one anyway. Because, dear readers, the buttons on his shirt tried to eat him. So did the doorbell – button. As well as the buttons in his jeep.

'_Emmett…' Called the Mr. Button King of all buttons. Mr. Button King of all buttons had let his guard down and now Emmett knows of his secret empire in Esme's sewing box. So Mr. Button King of all buttons has no choice but to eat Emmett. Before he knew it, all of the buttons on all of Emmett's shirts were soon either going to revolt against Emmett, or eat him. So now, Emmett wears nothing but vests and sweat pants, as his normal jeans also had buttons on the top. He had tried once walking around button-less on his jeans and super-glue-ing the fly to them up, but then he realised that he accidentally super-glued the zip to his boxers too. Now Mr. Button King of all buttons is aware that Emmett cannot live without his buttons. He is also aware that Emmett cannot get lucky with Rose anymore, because she finds Emmett in sweat pants a huge turn off. We don't know why, but we think that she is conspiring against Emmett, and we say that she joined the buttons. Probally because she has a fetish about them. Which is probally why Emmett always gets laid when he is wearing jeans, because Rose is aware of the buttons presence, which makes he feel all warm and fizzy inside._

'_Come out come out wherever you are…'_

The whole of the family – apart from Alice because she is being unusually hygienic for a vampire – are now staring and a shaking Emmett who was standing in the doorway, having only just entered the room. Carlisle dropped all of his cleaning utensils, and edged closer to Emmett.

"Emmett, it's okay. Daddy is here."

"No Mr. Button King of all buttons, back away! Leave me alone! I will not be sewn into your schemes! I will not convert! You will never take me alive!" Emmett screamed at Carlisle desperately, cowering into a ball in the corner as Carlisle continued forward.

No one was paying attention to anyone apart from Emmett, so, as Rosalie shook her head sharply, no one noticed her hair slip to the side. She mentally cursed the chemist. He said that the wig glue would keep it in place for at least ten days. Liar. She will have to eat him later. After readjusting herself, she walked over beside Emmett, and joined him on the floor. Leaning her head against his, and wrapping her arms around his hunched shoulders, she shooed the family away.

Today, Esme decided to make a dinner of cookies. While Emmett composed himself, the rest of the family gathered around the table. We don't know why, because none of them will eat the cookies, again. We think that Esme should make lots and run to a place that could actually eat them, or is that way too much of a crazy idea? Upon entering the room, the family prepared to say grace.

"Thank you, lord Dracula for this meal. Amen-blood."

As the family 'dug in' _ they really just began to stare at their plates _and Rosalie's face fell forward to stare at the 'meal' before her, a cloud of blonde covered he cookie.

"HA! Rose looks like an egg!" Alice screeched. If you didn't notice her walk in after her shower, she did.

"Oh… I wondered why my head suddenly go so cold-… Shit!" She has now run out of the room screaming like a little girl. I don't know what else she would run out screaming like, but the little girl description suited just fine. Alice and Jasper were laughing because of Jaspers mood swings _ and he had just found that red stiletto shoe. SHOES _and Alice was laughing because she was being a male/female retard. And because she though her joke was insanely funny, which it really was not. The rest of the family stared at the empty seat Rose had once filled. Them Emmett's loud voice echoed throughout the whole house.

"NO! ROSE! Not in there, the buttons will eat you! Or even worse, you might move my Mr. Snufflekins! He was perfectly sat this morning! Don't do it!" Emmett continued these kind of comments of un-encouragement until his voice was not longer heard.

If you haven't noticed, which you probally haven't because she is relatively un-important, Bella has been removed from the equation because she is not a vampire _yet _therefore not cool enough to be in this story any longer. Let us say that she was kidnapped by the evil Mr. Button King of all buttons and she has been forced to work as his slave for the rest of eternity.

Jasper was rather quiet, I'm not sure if you have noticed, but it was because he was too depressed to be bothered to say anything. Somehow, the cookie that Esme made him made him turn from singing 'I feel pretty…' to slitting his wrists. It may have something to do with the smiley face Esme painted on the cookie. Jasper in his army pants and his favourite war hammer piece was excused from the table and he left to drown himself in self-pity and sorrow.

Esme is still baking cookies. She has actually found a kids cook book that is teaching her how to make muffins. _Muffins! _Cunningham muffins is teaching her how to make a blood muffin, so that she can make Emmett eat it again. Actually, she could make any kind of muffin and still make Emmett eat it, but she thought she would be nice and make him a blood muffin. Well, it's better than a newspaper muffin, or a fire muffin. _But not better than a pecan muffin or a shoes muffin_.

Carlisle is still telling Esme to stop baking cookies because she is getting everything, including his shoes, dirty. After being a crap doctor and failing miserably with helping Emmett when he had a breakdown earlier, her re-picked-up his utensils and cleaned each vampire thoroughly as they entered the dining room. He said that any 'unclean soul' would be noticed and would have to stare at their cookie in another room, unless they wanted Carlisle to give them a personal hand bath. All apart from Jasper refused the offer of a hand-bath. What Jasper did not know, was that it was a hand-bath of acid.

I don't know what to do with Alice and Edward who are still sat at the table staring at their cookies.

_-Has a brainwave-_

Have you noticed that Edward and Alice are completely oblivious to everything around them? That is because they have been possessed by Mr. Button King of all buttons. This is a good thing for Alice, because she really loves Mr. Button King of all buttons, yet does not want anyone to know, she the only way that they can spend time together is if she is possessed. We don't even know why she loves him so, but let's not argue, or I will have to remind you of those freaky images of Alice and Bella getting it on. We don't know why I will have to remind you of this, but I like seeing you squirm.

"Can I ask you something?" Alice suddenly piped up, yet not tearing her eyes away from the cookie.

"No."

"Why do you think I'm a man?"

"Because you have a penis."

"Oh."

This is the part where Alice is being a bit of a dick. _No pun intended. _Tears well up in her eyes, although this is impossible because vampires can't cry because they… just can't, and her chair scrapes across the floor as she stands. And she stands. And she stands. Forever. No, not really, but I don't know what to make her do, so she can just stand there like a standing thing in standing land.

Edwards phone rings, because I can't think of anything else.

"Hello?"

"Is this Edwin Cullen?"

"Um… Yes? … Charlie?!"

"Yes. I know your secret."

You would think after like… a long time, that Charlie would know Edward's name by now? Yeah, well he doesn't.

So, the world will end! Charlie knows Edwards secret passion. He loves it more than he loves anything. More than his little teddy bear. And that is saying something.

_Ha! I was not planning on doing a second chapter, but I'm going to. If you haven't figured out his secret, you should probally read it again. You will have to review to see the next chapter! Now, if that is not bribery, I don't know what is. _

_I love you all._

_-Natalie._


	2. Chapter 2

_A.N: It took time, but it is here. I am really sorry for the wait, and I hope that this was worth your wait. All of my spare time has been dedicated to my other fics, so I would love it if you could check those out and give me a smile! This is the finale! Although, I may throw in an epilogue for good measure… this is kinda Edward – centric, by the way._

_Disclaiming: Not mine. _

**Not So Secret Secrets**

**Part Two.**

Edward is now sweating. A lot. Not even the sexy kind of sweating, but the really disgusting BO filled sweat. Although I'm not sure whether or not vampires can sweat, but in this story they can. Don't like it? Go see lawyer.

Edward is still coming to the fact that in fact his secret is not a secret anymore, as it should be because secrets are supposed to be kept a secret, but if the secret is revealed then it isn't a secret anymore, because that is the whole point of secrets are that they are kept a secret.

Edward's phone slipped from his grasp as he stared off into the distance, a million things running through his mind. What would Charlie do with Edward's secret? Should he embrace his secret, or hope to keep it from others prying eyes? No one knows, in fact, I don't even know yet, so it will be a nice surprise for all.

Alice is still standing, and as Bella once said 'no one could be still like Edward'. Yah, well? Alice can, so I'm sorry to say Bella; you were wrong, and will not be joining us in Edward's journey today. You will be banished for all eternity as Mr. Button King of all buttons' slave. I don't even think Bella is reading this, but it's nice to get it all off of my chest. Actually, I'm not sorry to say any of that, it's just an expression. I actually felt kinda good saying all of that, so on behalf of all of my emotions, I thank you.

Enough of my feelings, lets get down to business.

Edward knew two things at that moment. One: he was Edward Cullen. Two: He really wanted to eat chocolate, even though he knows what it will taste like. These are the only two things that Edward Cullen is sure of at this millisecond. In the next millisecond, he will discover the wonder that is a banana, but let's not go into that right now.

Edward Cullen bursts into life, and spins on the spot so quick he nothing but a blur, and at almost lightning speed, he is in some tights and speedos. He looks rather dashing in his outfit, I must say, and it is all topped off with a red cape, and an EC super man shirt that looks absolutely fetch on him, and hugs him in all the right spots, bringing out that figure he had within.

Flying out of the door, he achieved many good deeds. Flying over the head of a little old lady, he paused to help her cross the road. She, unfortunately, took him in all his glory, and assumed him a pervert, and swatted him away with her purse muttering 'You young men get better looking, but lusting after a woman of my age! I never heard of such a thing. In my day young men like you were out kicking about a ball, not playing with their balls solo, or with an old bat like me! You really ought to put on some pants too, love, your junk is all on show, and you haven't even finished puberty yet! They won't fit you next year, you know. My boy had exactly the same issue, and his grew more than an inch in two years!' and so on, and so forth. Shy may not have noticed, but Edward was backing away slowly, inch my inch, step by step.

After re-gaining his composure and covering his 'junk' he set off again. Looking down upon the civilians, he spotted a small stall, and was intrigued. Coming to a halt in front of the table, he gasped in shock and horror.

There, standing behind the table filled with cookies and other goodness', was Aro. Aro dressed up in a Girl Scout uniform really was something to behold.

"Aro?" He asked, hesitantly.

"Can I interest you in some cookies?" Replied Aro, in a particularly high-pitched, squeaky female voice.

"Um… sure. Do you have any chocolate chip ones? I have always wanted to try chocolate…" Aro's face lit up, and a smile played across his features. His eyes never left Super Edwards. Aro squealed, and jumped on the spot repeatedly, whilst clapping his hands.

"Oh, sir, you are in the greatest of luck! I have a box with your name on it!" With that, Aro disappeared for a moment, only to return holding a box of cookies, aptly labelled 'EDWARD'S'. Handing them to Edward, and taking Edward's five dollar bill in the other hand, he added, "Would you like a glass of warm milk, to try your cookies now?"

"Sure." Super Eddie said, still hesitant, but hey, who was he to turn down free milk?

Once again, Aro disappeared, only to return, again, with a glass of white liquid in his hand.

Edward knew two things at that moment. One: He was Super Eddie. Two: Aro's milk tastes good.

"This is really good, whose milk is this?" You would think that he would say something like 'where did you get this milk?' but Edward… didn't. Oh! I have thought of a reason. He did not ask where, because Edward had never drunk anything like milk before, so he was not sure of the correct statement. You would think, again, that he would know after … a long long time that he learnt how to speak human? Yeah, well it surprised me just as much as it did you.

"Oh, its mine. I wasn't sure whether to use breast or cum, so I just mixed it together."

"Really?" Super Eddie asked, curious. "And what kind of make is that?"

"Oh, well I can get it from being turned on, or if I dash down and have a baby."

"Hm." He said, accepting that answer. After downing the delicious milk and all seven cookies, he set off in search for 'turned on' or 'dash down'. He wanted to know how much their milk was!

I have completely gone off track. Back to Edwards secret!

Edward was sat on a park bench, thinking. Who was he to hide who he really is? So what if Charlie knew? Edward should embrace the secret, not ignore it. Edward should not hide who he really is. Just as he was close to a conclusion of his life, his cell phone rang. If you recall, he did actually drop it in the kitchen, but Aro's milk made everything better. I gotta get me some of that milk.

"Hello?"  
"Edwin?"

"Yes, Charlie?"

"Yeah, well I can't open this jar…"

"… wait… what?"

"Can you come and help me please?"

"Help you what?"

"Open something."

"Open what?"

"My jar."

"Charlie, I am supposed to be your daughter's boyfriend… I don't think I should be opening anything of your jars."

"But my jar needs to be opened!"

"Why?"

"Because I can't"

"Why?"

"Because I am not strong enough."

"Would you love me for it?"

"Yes?" Edward was sceptical, as Charlie's reply came as a question, but he accepted it nonetheless.

"I'll be over."

What Edward failed to realise, was that he could have actually made Charlie promise not to tell anyone his secret, but that wouldn't be a story, now, would it? I know it would still be a story, but don't tell anyone, especially not Aro as he may go into a surge of depression and his milk may not be processed any longer, and I would not have my constant supply, and I would die of lack of Aro's milk! _Faints._

Leaping from his seat, it took Edward approximately thirty eight seconds to arrive at the chief Swan's home. Just to prove his point of being incredibly strong, Edward brought up a few paving slabs as he landed, and took the door off of its hinges as he entered the home.

Ever wondered what was going on back at the Cullen household? Yeah, me neither, but lets go check it out.

Alice has now moved from her standing position, to her kill position. We don't know why, but the little people in my head will tell us when the time is right. This could be never. But let's not be negative, okay? Think positive! Um… bunnies! Plus, not minus! The glass of Aro's milk is half full, not empty! The box of Edwards cookies are cookie-less, but never empty! Emmett's brain has few cells, not none! Rosalie is pretty, not ugly! She has feet for her size; they are not huge, big foot type men's feet! Alice is half man, half woman, not confused! Bella is almost a vampire, not a human! You're not fat, because you can diet! You're not ugly, because you can get some foreign guy called Sven to do plastic surgery on you for a cut-down price! Your plastic surgery by Sven didn't go wrong, it just didn't go right!

Upon arriving, Edward cannot seem to find Charlie.

Super Edward hears a faint whisper and whimpers coming from Charlie, but Edward cannot locate him. He must be in an amazing hiding place if even Edward can't find him. Edward should use his vampiric-ness senses to sniff him out, alas, he does not.

Searching high and low, Edward is still unable to find Charlie, and Edward can't take it any longer. He gives into his impulses, and cries like he wants to. He crawls into the corner, wraps his arms around himself, and cries until dawn breaks.

Jasper is still being an emo. But, he has decided to start a band! At the moment it is a crappy one man band, but don't tell him, because you know, he is a sensitive soul. Do I need to go through that list again? No, I didn't think so. They, well he is called 'The Shoe'. Poor Jazzy wanted to be called 'The Emu' but there is already a band called that, and if Jasper were to use that, my friends, would be plagiarism, or something like that. And then Jazzy-kins would be sent to court, and there is nothing worse than a distressed Jasper on a Sunday morning in the most beautiful pair of hot pink Prada shoes! I don't even know if Prada make shoes, but they do now.

Esme is in her bedroom, having a rest from baking.

"Esme?" Carlisle asked. He got no reply, and began to panic.

"Look, Esme, I'm sorry for making you stop the cookie making. I really do love your cookies, but I have a theory. I think that the cookies have feelings, and change Jasper, because I have never seen him so depressed but then so happy! And my awesome power to have theories is never wrong!" What he didn't know, is that Esme is asleep. Slowly opening the door, he peeked through.

"Esme?" He asked again. Esme was on the bed, eyes closed. Her breathing was steady, and a smile was on her lips. Yes, my friends, she was sleeping. Snow White at its best, I tell ye!

"Oh. My. Edward. Esme, you can't be asleep! Wake up!" He yelled desperately, shaking her frame. What he didn't know, was that shaking Esme's frames does not wake her up, it just makes her angry.

"Mmm… Aro…" She moaned. Carlisle's mouth hung open, surprised as hell, which isn't that surprised at all. She was dreaming about Aro.

"Fuck… me… harder!" She screamed. Ew. I can't believe I just wrote that. Yet, there is something kinda hot about an Aro/Esme relationship… Ew. Not being able to take it any longer, Carlisle fled from the room.

He ran as fast as he could, which was not very fast at all, and was too distressed to look where he was going. He hit a tree, my friends. I know, I know, it's very upsetting. Not being able to drag himself from the ground, he lay there, laying eggs.

Back to Edward.

Dawn has broken, and Edward resumes to his duty. He must find Charlie! After another three seconds of searching, Edward gives up.

"Edward?" Cried a timid sounding Charlie.

"Charlie? Where are you?" Edward replied, now frantic.

"Can't… open… my… jar…" And it was that sentence, those three words that brought Edward back to life, and he spotted Charlie, cowering underneath the kitchen table. If you didn't notice, there are actually four words, not three. If you did notice that, you get a prize. If you just went back to check, you get a glass of Aro's milk over your head.

"Charlie! God, are you okay?!"

"F-f-f-f-ine. O-o-pen damn j-j-ar." He is either cold or in mass amounts of fear, but I don't know which.

"Do you know my secret?"

"What secret?" Asks Bella as she walks in the door.

"Wha- what… what the hell are you doing here?!" Edward yells.

"You may not have noticed, but this is kinda where I live." She replied icily. She's gonna get it for that. "Anyway, what's this big secret you are telling no one?"

"It's a secret."

"Oh."

Another faint whimper cones from Charlie under the table, and he thrusts his jar into Edward.

's hands.

"OPEN THE GOD DAMN JAR!"

"What's the magic word?"

"Vampire!"

"No, but it will do."

Edward places the jar of mushy peas on the table, and takes a seat, careful to kick Charlie, watching the jar. And watch Charlie's jar he does. And he watches. And watches. Forever. Not really.

Slowly, carefully, Edward reaches towards the jar. He gently places one hand on the lid, and the other on the body of the jar. He keeps this pose for a while, as if it was Christmas, and your annoying dad takes a picture of everything as you open it. Even if it is a look of pure hate and disgust at the jumper your Nan knitted you, he still takes a picture. Maybe he will use it against you, in case he may later rely on it in court? I can just imagine Carlisle standing on trial, defending himself…

"I had to kill that man… because… well, my son threw up when he looked at the jumper my mum got him for Christmas!" He said, brandishing the proof in front of witnesses' eyes. He had a slightly crazed look about his eye, and froth escaped his mouth…

After five minuets in battle against the lid of the jar, Edward's torso slumps forward in exhaustion. Bella is still standing there like the lemon she is, and Charlie has fallen asleep under the table.

"Bella, I'm leaving you."

"But… but… but why?!" She screamed.

"I am in love with another."

"Who? I thought I was the be all and end all of every vampire's existence!" Edward shrugged in reply, not revealing anything. Apart from his 'junk' that came on show again as he shifted in his seat. Charlie just got the surprise of his life as he awoke under the table to find something large greeting him… Edward's sausage! Edward often finds that he gets hungry, and keeps a sausage in his pocket for snacksies.

Returning to the task at hand, Edward began to attack the jar. Gripping the jar with all his might, it still did not open.

Edward decided that he could not open Charlie's stubborn jar without the help of an old friend.

Readers, meet Mr. Hammer, and Mr. Saw!

"_Hello Mr. Hammer, I'm Mr. Saw."_

"_Why hello Mr. Saw, I'm Mr. Hammer!" _Edward made the two inanimate objects speak to one another, in different tones of his voice. What I want to know is what is wrong with Mr. Hammer, because he has a very high-pitched voice…I think there is something he wants to tell us, but let's not put pressure on the poor man, now.

"_Well, Mr. Saw, if you don't mind, I will take care of this jar for Edward!"_

"_Sure, Mr. Hammer!"_

Brandishing Mr. Hammer, Edward, slowly yet quickly, smashed the jar into smithereens, and the inside's spewed onto the table. Looking at the green mush, Edward became intrigued, and scooped some up with his fingers. He looked at it sceptically, and after assessing the paste, placed three fingers in his mouth to taste.

The vile mix penetrated Edward's tongue and he spewed it out, all over Bella.

She stood there, unmoving. She just stood there, covered in a mixture of mushy peas, sick and Aro's milk. And she stands. And stands. Forever.

Edward, surprised at his actions, scrambled from his chair. Pausing in the doorframe, he whispered, _'I am in love… with Jackie Chan…"_

…

"WHAT?!"

_

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__Authors note, again; Yup, epilogue is on it's way! PLEASE tell me what you think! If I get enough inspiration –Cough cough review! Cough cough- then epilogue will probally be up tomorrow._


	3. Epilouge

_A.N. I is back! Yuppie, this, my friends, is Mrs. Epilogue. Be nice now, or Mr. Epilogue will come bash you up. I hope you like it! I love you guys, and thanks so much for the lovely reviews! I hope it has made you ROFLMAO like it has me. –Smiles and waves-_

_Disclaiming: I own nothing, and nothing owns me._

**Not So Secret Secrets**

**Mrs. Epilogue.**

Ten years, a kidnapped Jackie Chan, a heart broken Bella and a confused Kelly later…

"Oh, Kelly!" Called Edward. "Oh, Kelly-kins!" He called, slightly louder.

"Shoes."

"Kelly?" Edward yelled, frustrated, searching high and low.

"I wanna borrow that top."

"There you are Kelly!" he said, finding her amongst Alice's many clothes. "Here, let me help you up." He said, offering a hand.

"Deck."

"Kelly?"

"Betch."

"Kelly, what have I said about using that language?"

"Okay, betch." Edward gasped in horror, stumbling backwards and falling through the floorboards. We are not sure if you can actually fall though floorboards, but you can now. Well, Edward can, but maybe that's just because he is a vampire, or because of his amazing sexiness… Anyway, yeah, so he fell through the floorboards.

"Oh, my, god." Kelly said.

"What?!" Edward asked, getting back from… the floorboards.

"These shoes rule." She said, staring at an amazingly awesome pair of Alice's shoes.

"Oh, yeah totally." Edward said, rolling his eyes and getting up from the floorboards.

And then, he was never seen again. Kelly was still sat in Alice's room.

"Shoes."

And they all died. The end.

Not really. I had you going there, didn't I?

I will tell you the story of how Kelly arrived in Twilight.

One day, when Kelly and Jackie Chan were out shopping, they saw Edward drinking some milk by a cookie stand. They were terrified of the Edward, and ran to hide in a cave. I have no idea why, but don't argue with the word document, okay? Okay. So, hiding in the cave, Jackie Chan was speechless, while Kelly was missing her shoes dearly. You would be too, if you were a Kelly.

"Shoes!"

Why were Kelly and Jackie Chan out shopping? Because they are secretly a couple very much in love and needed to buy some condoms. I actually have no idea why they were out shopping, but let's go with the previous idea. Just don't tell Edward that Jackie was taken; he will be heart broken, the poor soul. There are many poor/confused souls in this tale, aren't there? Hum, maybe I have a soft spot for them… creepy. Actually, you could choose one of the following:

Jackie Chan was going to have a sex-change operation because he really loves men, and he needed Kelly for moral support.

Kelly and Jackie were going to an alcoholic's anonymous meeting. But its not really anonymous if you are there, is it? That's a bit stupid. Stupid alcoholic anonymous meeting.

Jackie needed some new balls and wanted Kelly to help him pick them out.

Kelly's last pair of shoes died and she was going to the local church to book a funeral ceremony.

Kelly's brother died and she was going to the local church to thank god, and then to the confession's.

Yeah, any of the above can work if you are mentally deranged. If you are not mentally deranged and are one of those silly people who like to know lots of stuff, again, then my best way to explain logically to you people is to dress up as super man and make you bow down to me, and don't ask questions. But I don't think there are any of you silly people reading this. Or are there...? I actually have no idea, but suck it up.

Anyway, so they were hiding in a cave when Alice came skipping along. Literally.

"Oh Kelly!" She called, wearing a red hood. "Where are you, Kelly?" She asked, getting slightly worried. Basket in hand, she travelled deep into the cave, trembling in fear. "Kelly?" She called again, bringing her basket of goodies closer to her chest. That sounded really wrong, and if you are under twelve you may not have understood that. If you are under twelve, you shouldn't be reading this! Naughty naughty, go to your room! If you are already in you room then… good. "Kelly?" She repeated.

Finally she came across a flicker of light hanging on the wall, and gratefully took it within her grasp. She held it above her head slightly, illuminating the path ahead. After a long time she saw Kelly! Little vampire riding Alice squealed and jumped up and down, effectively dropping the fire. "Shit." She cursed. She quickly picked it up and walked over to where Kelly was sat.

"Kelly, guess what I bought you!" Alice said excitedly.

"Shoes." Was Kelly's answer.

"How did you know?!"

"That top."

"My top told you?"

"It's a cute top."

"Thanks…" Alice said, unsure of what the necessary reply would be. She just shrugged and opened up her basket.

Alice set eleven pairs of shoes in a row in front of Kelly. Kelly snapped her head to stare at the shoes, and shuffled towards the beginning of the row.

"These shoes rule." Kelly marvelled and the pink beauties in front of her. Shuffling over, she stared at the chunky black stilettos. "These shoes suck." She said, kicking them away. This process continues until Kelly was left with six ah-mazing shoes.

Alice placed the chosen ones back into her basket and got up, holding her hand out for Kelly to get up. Kelly stared at Alice's hand, and then stared at Alice. Her mouth hung open, and she looked as if she were highly confused, which she was. Eventually Kelly got up of her own accord, but she had been looking at Alice's hand for so long that Alice was now dead. Shame, but you know, someone had to die. Sorry Alice.

Kelly took the basket of shoes and walked out of the cave.

Somehow she managed to get back to the Cullen house.

"Oh, Kelly!" Fussed Carlisle. Let's call him Carly. "It has been too long!" He muttered as he dusted her down. "What's in the basket Kelly? Will it need cleaning?" When Carly just received a long hard stare from Kelly he began to feel uncomfortable and fled the room to compulsively clean something that didn't need cleaning.

Next thing Kelly knew, she was eating cookies. But not just any old cookies, Esme's home made blood cookies! Yum!

And then all of a sudden, a gun shot rippled throughout the whole of the world. Dun dun duuun! We go to England next, to look at the poor victim who turns out to be…

Oh no!

Natalie has been killed by a flying gun! And therefore, since the author has been killed (and is totally not writing this right now) all of the characters will die too.

Poor Twilight characters…

_

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A.N. Lmao. I know, that ended a bit weird, but I am tired and running out of ideas!

_Don't forget to flame, lol. I bet I get at least one flame… that epilogue was awful. *shrugs* _

_Sorry! If you leave me a review I will love you forever._

_Thanks for reading! :)_

_LOVE YOU! XXX_

**Review?**


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